Why Personality Differences Feel So Personal
After sharing a little of our story in my last post, I found myself reflecting on something that took me a while to understand…
It wasn’t just that Andrew and I were different.
It was that those differences felt personal.
When “Different” Feels Like Something More
In those early years, I didn’t just see our differences as neutral.
I felt them.
Deeply.
When he responded differently than I expected…
When he didn’t communicate the way I naturally would…
When he approached situations in a way that didn’t make sense to me…
It didn’t just feel different.
It felt like:
“Why wouldn’t you do it this way?”
“Why don’t you see this the same way I do?”
“Why does this feel so hard?”
And if I’m honest… sometimes it even felt like rejection.
The Assumptions We Don’t Realise We’re Making
Looking back now, I can see that I was unknowingly making a lot of assumptions.
I assumed:
• that the way I saw things was the “normal” way
• that my responses made the most sense
• that if something mattered to me, it should naturally matter in the same way to him
But personality doesn’t work like that.
We don’t all process things the same way.
We don’t all respond from the same place.
And we certainly don’t all express ourselves in the same way.
It Wasn’t Intentional… It Was Wiring
This was a big shift for me.
What I had been interpreting as:
• disinterest
• lack of understanding
• or even emotional distance
…was often just a difference in personality.
A difference in how he was wired.
And once I began to see that, something softened.
A Pattern I Didn’t Notice at the Time
As I was reflecting on all of this, I realised something that actually goes back much further than my marriage.
All through my primary school years…
my teenage years…
and even into my young adult life…
I always seemed to move quite comfortably within different social circles.
But if I’m completely honest…
In almost every one of those circles, there was usually one person I just didn’t quite get on with.
You know the kind…
The one who would rub you up the wrong way, even if you couldn’t quite explain why.
And I remember thinking at the time,
“If only they weren’t here… things would be so much easier.”
I would even find myself quietly hoping — and yes, sometimes praying 😄 — that they might move to a different class…
or transfer to another office...
or move to a new town…
And sometimes they did.
But what I found interesting was this:
Not long after one person left…
another one would appear.
The Realisation
It wasn’t until much later — when I started learning about personalities — that something finally clicked.
There always seemed to be a “Susan” or a “Karen” in my life.
(Not their real names of course… 😄)
But what I began to realise was…
It wasn’t about them.
It was about how I experienced certain personalities.
A Different Way of Seeing
Instead of constantly asking,
“Why are they like that?”
I began asking,
“Lord, help me to see them through Your eyes.”
Because the truth is…
They weren’t trying to frustrate me.
They were simply being who they are.
And I was reacting from who I am.
Why We Take It Personally
I think we take personality differences personally because relationships matter deeply to us.
So when something feels “off”…
We don’t just see it as a difference.
We feel it as a disconnect.
And in that space, it’s easy for our thoughts to fill in the gaps with assumptions.
I also believe there’s something deeper at play here.
We were created for relationship — for connection, for understanding, for walking alongside one another… just as we see from the very beginning (Genesis 2:18).
So when that connection feels strained or unclear…
it can feel heavier than we expect.
Even exhausting at times.
Because something in us recognises,
“This isn’t quite how it’s meant to feel.”
And when we don’t understand what’s happening…
our minds try to make sense of it the only way they know how.
Often by making it personal.
A Small but Powerful Shift
One of the simplest shifts that helped me was this:
👉 Instead of asking, “Why are they doing this? (to me)”
I began asking,
👉 “What might be driving this?”
That one question created space.
Space for curiosity instead of frustration.
Space for understanding instead of judgement.
Understanding Myself Changed Everything
One of the most helpful parts of this journey was actually understanding myself… and my personality.
Realising that I tend to be:
• quite driven
• forward-thinking
• quick to process and respond
which meant that I naturally expected others to move at a similar pace.
But not everyone does.
And that’s not a flaw.
It’s just different wiring.
What I began to see over time was that where I tend to move quickly…
Andrew tends to move steadily.
Where I can get excited about possibilities…
he quietly takes a step back and thinks things through.
He’s a steady, cautious thinker (most of the time 😄).
And if I’m honest… that has probably saved us more times than I can count 😄
There have been many weekends over the years where I’ve happily dragged this poor man along to timeshare presentations — you know the ones…
the beautiful locations, the persuasive sales pitch, the “today only” offers that make it all sound so appealing in the moment.
And more than once, I’ve sat there thinking,
“This actually sounds like a great idea!”
Left to my own devices… I probably would have signed on the spot.
But Andrew?
He would ask all the questions then calmly say,
“Let’s take the information away… have a proper think about it… and if we still feel the same way next week, then we can go ahead.”
At the time, I’ll admit… that felt frustrating.
I was ready to decide.
He was ready to pause.
But here’s the interesting part…
To this day, we don’t own a single timeshare.
Because when I did slow down…
when I gave myself space to think it through more logically…
I realised it wasn’t something we actually wanted to go into debt for.
What I once saw as hesitation…
I now see as wisdom.
What I once experienced as resistance…
was actually protection.
And that shift changed everything.
Because instead of expecting Andrew to think like me…
I began to appreciate the way he thinks differently.
And how much we actually need that balance.
Sometimes the very differences we struggle with…
are the ones that quietly hold things together.
A Gentle Invitation
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling hurt, confused, or even frustrated by how someone else responds…
You’re not alone.
But perhaps this week, you might try something small.
Instead of reacting straight away…
Pause.
And gently ask yourself:
✨ “Is this intentional… or just different?”
What I Know Now
Looking back, I can see that many of the things I once took personally…
Were never meant personally at all.
They were simply expressions of a different personality.
A different way of seeing the world.
Closing Thought
Understanding personality doesn’t remove every challenge.
But it does change how we hold those challenges.
And often…
that’s where connection begins again.
In the next post, I’ll share a little more about the different personality styles and how they actually play out in real life.
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